“Boomer” Winfrey

Varmint County Correspondent

Readers will recall from last month that Varmint County was preparing its own celebration of the War of 1812, recognizing the impact that war had on the county’s history as Varmint County Lowes fought side-by-side with Louisiana Haigs at the Battle of New Orleans.

To celebrate the occasion, the local Haig clan planned a sumptuous Memorial Day feast in Haig Hollow, inviting their Louisiana cousins up as well as all of Varmint County. Because of the sequester, the federal government has cut back on their purchase of the Haig’s “spring run” whiskey for use as a jet fuel additive, so there was an overabundance of this potent brew available for the celebration as well.

That may well explain the large number of volunteers who stepped forward to sign up for the second phase of the Varmint County Bicentennial, the re-enactment of the annual flatboat trek down the Mud, Cumberland, Ohio and Mississippi rivers to New Orleans.

After the Haigs got to know their Varmint County allies following that long-ago battle, they began a circular trade with our mountain region, swapping New Orleans “city goods” for furs and corn whiskey, while carting off a few unattached Lowe females as brides during the process.

They always returned to Louisiana by way of the rivers, prompting the bicentennial committee of the Lower Primroy Historical & Genealogical Society to plan a 200th Anniversary re-enactment if enough volunteers could be found.

First to volunteer was County Mayor Gabby Aslinger’s dad Archie, the grand marshal of the Bicentennial by virtue of being declared the nearest living descendant of Varmint County founder Louis Lowe. Archie’s cousin and Chief of the Lower Primroy Volunteer Fire Department, former army explosive expert and reformed arsonist Stanley “the Torch” Aslinger volunteered as well, proclaiming that somebody had to go “who could keep Archie out of trouble.”

Also volunteering was Penny Haig, the 6´6˝ former Lady Viper basketball star who took over as coach of the high school team last year when Gabby won the election for County Mayor.

“Penny, you’re the only female to sign up for the trip. Don’t you think that might get a little awkward sharing cramped quarters with a boatload of men?” Doc Filstrup asked.

“Doc, I was raised by my Grandpa Elijah with one Tomboy sister, Chloe, three brothers and twelve male Haig cousins. I think I can handle sharing a boat with a bunch of men,” Penny replied with a grin. 

“Besides, Penny could whip any three men in the county with one arm tied behind her back,” Elijah Haig added. “And if anyone gives her trouble, they know they’ll have to reckon with me when they get back.”

The next person to volunteer was Ike Pinetar, operator of the Mud Lake Marina. “I figure since this is a boat trip, somebody needs to go along who knows a little something about boats,” Ike wisely pointed out.

“I know something about boats!” Archie Aslinger shot back.

“Yeah. I recall your career as a pirate on Mud Lake, when you, Stanley and the Hockmeyer twins disguised yourselves as buccaneers and raided Lawyer McSwine’s poker party out on Sheriff Smoky’s houseboat. Made poor Philbert McSwine walk the plank!”

“Hey, they deserved that. The Sheriff bought that houseboat with a guv’mint grant to intercept drug runners on Mud Lake. Instead, Philbert and those other courthouse lawyers turned it into a floating poker party. Besides, we tossed Philbert a life jacket before he sank.”

The next person to volunteer generated no small level of excitement, not to say concern, from the Bicentennial planning committee. “I’m going to join the crew,” mortician and former Mayor Clyde Filstrup Jr. announced. “Since I got voted out of office, I’ve got plenty of time on my hands.”

“Besides,” Archie whispered to Penny, Haig, “Since Clyde was retired from public office, his wife has been finding too many ‘Honey do’ jobs to suit Clyde. I think he’s tired of rearranging furniture, painting decks and taking Matilda on flea market shopping trips.”

“I fear for the success of this mission!” Doc Filstrup added. “My son couldn’t screw in a light bulb without somebody rotating the ladder he’s standing on. That boy is all thumbs and two left feet and you’re going to expect him to help steer a flatboat down the Cumberland River?”

The plan was simple. Three replica “flatboats” were constructed at the base of Mud Lake Dam, along the lines of old-fashioned keelboats that once plied the rivers of early America. The boats had a central cabin to shelter the crew and supplies, a flat wrap-around deck where the crew could use long poles to push the boat along in shallow water and a square-rigged sail on the cabin to provide momentum where the water was too deep for poling.

A wooden rudder was attached to the back to help steer the boat while under sail or flowing with the current.

The trip plan was simple: launch the fleet of three boats below Mud Lake Dam in the Muddy Branch of the Little South Fork of the Cumberland River. Float and pole the boats downstream to the main Cumberland River in Kentucky, then follow that river as it flows back into Tennessee, past Opryland in Nashville, and back north into Kentucky to join the Ohio River, then on to the Mississippi and south to New Orleans.

 The trip of roughly 2,000 miles would take between four and six weeks if all goes as planned, allowing time to tie up at night and brief stopovers in Nashville, Natchez and a few other towns along the route. Each boat would have a crew of eight, three on each side manning the poles, a helmsman operating the rudder and a lookout in the bow to watch for snags, sandbars or any other unexpected hazards. 

It was agreed that the travelers would re-enact the original trips of those early Haig traders as closely as possible, surviving on grated cornpone, beef jerky and whatever fish they could catch while wearing 19th Century clothing, armed with muzzle-loading muskets and relying on medicinal herbs in the event of sickness or injury. At least that was the plan.

“Uh, that’s a funny-looking rudder there, Ike. What’s that little wooden loop you’ve nailed to the stern supposed to be?” Archie asked.

Ike Pinetar, who took responsibility for overseeing the crew of carpenters building the boats just smiled. “Poling and sailing and flowing with the current is all fine and good, but I decided we might need a little insurance. That’s a mount for that 60 horsepower outboard motor I stowed in the cabin.”

As the date of departure approached, a few other volunteers stepped forward. Penny’s feisty little sister Chloe decided to forgo playing AAU basketball for the summer and signed up. “I’ll be getting my fill of basketball in college. This might be my last chance to do something with my big sister,” Chloe told grandpa Elijah.

Two days before the big Memorial Day party in Haig Hollow, the crews were still far short of the 24 people needed to handle three boats. “Don’t you’uns worry none,” Elijah “Big Poison” Haig confidently announced. “We’re breaking out a limited supply of spring run whiskey for the Bicentennial kick-off. You’ll have more than enough volunteers after everybody gets deep into their cups at the feast.” 

Elijah’s prediction turned out to be conservative. As the Haigs, Hockmeyers, Filstrups, Aslingers, Pennywells, Pinetars, McSwines and Bandits, along with several dozen other prominent Varmint County families, all sat down to a feast of Haig Hollow barbecued pork, crayfish filé gumbo compliments of the Louisiana Haigs and desserts prepared by the ladies of the Historical & Genealogy Society, former County Judge Colonel Hugh Ray Jass rose to serve as toastmaster.

“We are all here today, descendants of Louis Lowe in one way or another, to pay our respects to Varmint County’s 200 years of history and the men and women who built our community. In two days a brave group of our fellow citizens will embark on a journey to recreate the travels of the early settlers, both Haigs and Lowes, that helped make our country great. I offer this toast to the brave volunteers who have stepped forward to make this journey and mark this momentous occasion!” Colonel Hugh intoned with a tip of his cup.